How Can I Doubt?

24 Pennelope pic By Penelope Payne

I’m worthless, my life is in vain;
Tried to fix myself, but superglue
Can’t hold me together; the pain
Inside is too great, I’m too blue.

Not the blue of the sky or ocean,
But the kind that has no cheer;
The kind that throws you in prison,
The kind that comes with fear…

Everyone would be better off without me;
I’m just a burden; I can’t pull myself out
Of the dark hole; they are just blinded by pity.
They don’t realize how good it would be without.

I’m a pathetic excuse for a creature;
No good to anyone, not even God.
It’s too late for me, of that I’m sure,
Adam created from dirt, me from sod.

Filled with guilt and despair,
Depression grabs my soul,
And takes me on the way there,
Down into the darkest hole…

I said I wouldn’t, but I’m done,
It’s too much, I can’t go on;
No, not this way; I can’t run
From it; I’m as good as gone.

Remembering tears me up inside;
The promises as broken as my heart
I couldn’t keep them, as hard as I tried.
As I entered a point of no return, I’m torn apart…

Something suddenly stops me –
A voice from the heavens above,
Shines the Light so I can see,
It is His perfect love…

“I put you together in your mother’s womb.
Before you were even born, I knew you.
I died on a cross and went into the tomb
For you; how can you doubt My love for you?”

I cried many tears, and I wept,
Prayed for the first time
In a long time, and I slept.
He forgave of the crime

I committed against Him;
Depression slowly lost its hold.
No longer did ugly sin
Of me have any control.

He loved me enough to breathe
Into my soul and give me life;
To hear my desperate pleas,
And become my Sacrifice!

Even though I may stumble,
I know He has already won;
I won’t under pressure crumble,
I have the Only Begotten Son!

O Death, where is thy sting?
O Grave, where is thy victory?
O Temptation, what weapon could ye bring?
O Depression, this is the end of thy story.

24 Pen image

Story behind the poem:

I was depressed for many years, especially in my teens, and it wasn’t
something I liked to talk about because most people, unless they’ve
been through it, don’t understand. There was a time I didn’t even want
to live anymore because it hurt so much.

Fast forward to a few months ago…

I learned when my mom talked to my grandma that before having me, my
parents tried to adopt, but no one called them back. Therefore, they
went to the doctor to talk about having kids, and my mom was told that
she wouldn’t be able to have children.

One month later, she became pregnant with me.

The way they told the story, it was that the doctors messed up; but
what if they didn’t? What if she was like Hannah (Samuel’s mom in
first Samuel) or Sarah (Isaac’s mom in Genesis)? What if a miracle
happened?

During some of those depressive episodes, I felt like God didn’t want
me or love me. LIES. Such lies. It became very hard to feel like God
didn’t want me after learning that, because technically, I shouldn’t
even be here! And yet I am.

This poem was inspired by all of this, and Psalm 139:13-14: “For You
formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I
praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are
Your works; my soul knows it very well.” and “Before I formed you in
the womb I knew you…” Jeremiah 1:5 (ESV)

“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” (First
Corinthians 15:55, KJV) Because of His sacrifice, death lost its
sting, and the grave lost it’s victory. This made me realize that not
only did He love us enough to create us and give us life in the first
place, but He loved us enough to then die for us so that we may live
with Him forever!

How great is His love for us!

God bless you!

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